Tomorrow Doesn't Exist
by 9thForever
Summary: Beth searches out an escape from Paul. (Changed rating from T to M mainly because of the theme.)
1. Chapter 1

It was early, dark, the sun hadn't even began to rise, but somehow, Beth found herself wide awake. Fear probably was the main cause. She'd fought with Paul, another brutal argument. That marked how many in the past week? But for once Beth had had enough, and left. She drove around angrily for hours before realizing where she was at: Alison's house. One thing lead to another, Beth texting her, Alison letting her in. Donnie was away for the week, and the kids were at the neighbours for their monthly sleepover.

Alison had tried comforting her, she always did that best. A motherly touch, even if they were around the same age (Beth being older). Beth told her about the fights they had been having, the screaming, belittling, the hitting. Paul didn't care that she was an officer, he knew he would get away with the abuse. She was too afraid of him. The alcohol, to Alison's suggestion, was supposed to help her relax a little, but it didn't do it's job, it only made the depression set in more. Beth was just as depressed when she'd arrived. However, now she wasn't able to drive back because she had been drinking.

Beth never broke down like this, she always displayed a stoic mask to hide the pain, but when Alison was around, her true colours were flying. It was no secret that Beth trusted her, even admired her. It was a subtle crush she had. Alison made her feel like a human being again, even if Beth knew she wouldn't get anything out of their friendship.

"You can't leave, Beth." Alison protested, holding firmly onto the cops arm when she tried to head for the door. "Your upset and drunk."

"I'm fine now, don't worry about me." Beth tried shrugging her off, even pulling away, but it was futile, Alison held her ground.

"No. You come to my house crying, upset. You're not going back to that.. That hell hole. You'll spend the night here."

That was the first time Beth had ever heard Alison swear, even if it was only the word hell. In Beth's life, words like that were nothing.

"Fine."

"Follow me," Alison didn't give Beth the chance, she pulled the other woman up the stairs to her bedroom.

"You can sleep here for the night, since Donnie isn't here."

"I can't sleep in your room, Ali."

"I won't have you anywhere else." She sat her down on the bed on her husbands half. "I'll get you something to sleep in, and -no- arguing." Alison had interjected before Beth even stood a chance. An old college tshirt, and a pair of pink pyjama bottoms.

Alison drank constantly, as a vice to compensate with her depression or anxiety; functioning like this came easily because she'd done it so many times.

Before Beth knew it, she was dressed and tucked into the bed, laying on her stomach, arms propping her head above the pillow. The bed was comfortable, but unfamiliar, it was strange to lay on, especially when she realized she was laying where Donnie did nightly.

Alison felt unnerved, however. Beth was still in pain, and nothing she had said or done had had an effect, even though she was told otherwise.

The lights were off, only glimpses from the nights moon filling the room through the window, cascading across the bed. Alison turned onto her side, laying and watching Beth as quietly and subtly as she could, barely through the slits of her eyes which were hidden behind her hair. Neither were asleep, just breathing.

Tears were silently rolling down Beth's cheeks, much like they had done many nights now. She'd mastered crying silently since meeting Paul, because she'd spent countless nights doing so. Some from nights because of stress from work, other nights because of Paul. He was the shittiest of men, always twisting any problem they had between each other into being her fault, belittling her until she was dirt on the bottom of his shoes. Beth was nothing in his eyes, yet for some reason, even with all of the pain, she couldn't break away- like she was tethered to the misery. Oh, they had broken up before, but managed to rebirth the relationship under the thought that things would change. It was always the same story, though.

Alison knew Beth was crying, she had done that before. It was no secret that Alison's marriage wasn't the best. Every couple fought from time to time, maybe that was why Beth had came to her for advice and comfort? After all, every time Alison had fought with Donnie, they had managed to work things out.

"He's going to be pissed, y'know.." Beth's voice broke the silence, shaky and nervously, dry from crying.

"Why?" Her arm reached over and brushed the hair over Beth's eyes away, her thumb stroking her forehead.

"Because.. He just is. He always is." She sighed and turned to face Alison, who was laying identically to herself.

"Then.. Why do you stay with him?"

"What do you mean?" Of course, Beth knew what Alison meant, she just didn't want to accept it. She didn't want to be saved from Paul, because there was something about the poison he fed her that she was addicted to. He was her heroin.

"Leave him, Beth."

"I-I can't."

Silence fell again, Alison's hand had shifted the gentle touch across her cheek, cupping it as her fingers circled soft patterns into even softer skin.

"Why?" That was a damn good question, one Beth couldn't answer truthfully. There were plenty of excuses she could've come up with, but none would suffice.

"I love him."

"That isn't love, Beth." Her heart cringed when Beth said it was love. How could abuse ever be love? Better yet, why had Beth bought that Paul loved her? At one point, maybe, but to Alison it wasn't love, it was sickening that Beth was blind to see it wasn't love.

Tears began falling again, this time Beth couldn't turn and hide; her fears and problems had finally caught up, and there was nowhere to run to. Yet somehow when she laid besides Alison, she felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel, as if she could lead her home, to somewhere safe.

"I know you want it to be, but it isn't.." Alison pulled Beth's head closer, resting her head on her shoulder, wrapping her arms around her as comfort.

"I feel broken, hopeless." Beth whispered, "I'm weak."

"No.."

"Yes."

"He's hurt you, Beth, but you're one of the strongest people I know. If anyone has endured enough pain and suffering, it's you."

Beth found Alison's lips pressing to her forehead, her arms holding her tightly. Somehow the gesture made her smile, even if it was a weak one.

"I love you, Beth, I'll never let you go."

She'd heard those words before, from Paul, yet when Alison said them, the words actually had meaning to them. She knew what Alison said was true. It wasn't a romantic love, but an unconditional love. Like family, something Beth never had.

"I can't do this anymore." She sniffled out, trying to wipe away the tears that began helplessly staining her cheeks.

"I know, I know. I'm here for you, Beth." Alison cooed, repeating herself over and over. Silently she prayed that Beth would hear her words, and soak them in. That she'd let her love for her sink itself into her like radiation, and spread itself deep within. She wanted to repair the blatant cracks that reflected from Beth.

The repetition made the words hollow, meaningless, like Alison was just trying to shut Beth out, or shut her up. The demons in Beth's head had a vice around her thoughts, tormenting her worse. She needed her medicine, something to numb the pain which felt like screaming. Without it everything felt worse (if she thought about it, Paul was the one trying to wean her off of the various medicines.) although Beth told Paul she wasn't taking them anymore, she had lied to him. Only one week did she actually stop taking them, without she was lost, with she was lost. It had been a long time since Beth truly felt herself, and doubted she ever would again. Even the feelings she felt when around Alison wasn't enough, and her current paranoia latched on to that.

Alison shifted closer to Beth, kissing her forehead, their stomachs and chests flush against one another. The embrace was tight, Alison didn't want to lose her. Somehow, the words Beth last spoke didn't settle well. They felt wrong, but that feeling Alison tried to file away in the back of her mind. She was glad Beth had finally realized she didn't need Paul, and that she needed to leave him. A pain cringed it's way through her body, making her arms tighter.

"Ali, you're crushing me." Beth chuckled softly, finally breaking the tears away.

"I.. I'm just glad you're here." Beth held the jagged breath which she sucked in. Alison had wound their bodies together, holding her closer than she thought possible. The air between them disappeared, and she knew she was imposing on Beth.

"He can't hurt you here.." She whispered as she leaned closer, their lips pressed against one another's because of Beth. She needed to feel something, some sort of response to know what was happening, and when she wasn't kissed back, she pulled away, internally beating herself up for being an idiot, and kissing a married straight woman.

Astonishment flooded Alison, and she lay petrified. Beth had kissed her. Surely the kiss didn't mean anything? The woman was upset, for Judas's sake. Beth must have been searching for something to take her away from reality, into a fantasy.

"I need to smoke." Was all Beth said before rolling out of bed and making her way downstairs- quickly. She needed away from Alison. Beth needed love, someone, anyone's love, and the only person she trusted didn't return any of it. Words weren't enough, she needed to see and feel it. Actions always spoke louder than words, so she was taught.

Grabbing one of Alison's "hidden" packages of cigarettes, Beth bolted out the back door, into the cold. Christ, she had messed up. Tear were pouring down her cheeks as she light the end of the cigarette, sucking in the smoke intensely. Maybe it would be enough to make her through the night, since she didn't have any pills on hand, the nearest ones were in her car and at work.

"Beth?" Alison called out, a jacket enveloping her and a small light in hand. Beth was sitting in the grass, already on her second as she looked up. "Oh, Beth..." She rushed to her side, feeling the tense woman pull away.

"I fucked up. Screwed up." She shakily lifted the cigarette back to her lips, breathing in her poison as if her life depended on it. A hand intercepted the motion, pulling it away from her lips

"No, no. Don't say that. Look at me, Beth." Steam from Alison's words wrapped itself around Beth's cheeks as she turned to face her. Alison's hand nervously went to her lips, her fingernails quickly being chewed as she searched the bloodshot eyes. The hand extended, cupping the detectives face before Alison rest her forehead against Beth's.

"I love you, and you will always be safe with me."

That's when it struck Beth that it was too late. She had no hope. Alison just wanted to use her, Paul wanted to destroy her, Art constantly belittled her. Everyone she knew was a liar, one way or another.

Why hadn't Beth reacted?

"Come back inside with me, Beth." Alison held out her hand. Beth glanced down, staring at the empty hand. Finally she moved to hold it, pushing the cigarette into the grass to extinguish it.

"I think I'm drunk.." Beth sighed out. She was high when she ended up at Alison's, but neglected to tell her that.

"I think so too, baby. C'mon."

Beth hadn't said another word the rest of the night, she was done with everyone and their crap. Trying to pass it off as alcohol just made it easy, it was an escape. Even as she lay besides someone whom she loved, to be held in their warming embrace, she couldn't feel it. There was no connection, nothing telling her it was real. She didn't sleep; Alison fell asleep instantly, her arm covering Beth's waist to make sure she was still there. Hell, once again, Beth could wait to escape. It felt like torture, being restrained.

Her mind was warping every little thing as she furthered her withdraw. Each second that passed seemed to linger, taking longer to pass. The sun was rising, and Beth took that as her cue to leave. Thank fucking god. Her own clothing felt foreign, more so than Alison's. She changed silently, quickly, ready to escape from here.

Paul had called, leaving multiple voicemails. Something in Beth made her unable to resist listening to them, even though she knew he had nothing good to say, only hate. Her heart was aching, heavily.

Back in her car, Beth grabbed a bottle from the glove compartment, emptying the white pills into her shaking hand, the only two left in the bottle. Not barely enough, but it would have to work. Finally, she breathed, something to bring her back. She leaned to swallow them dry, the pain in her throat as they sat, slowly dissolving. In time they'd have their effect on her.

Art was calling her in to the station to review her statement on the Maggie Chen shooting. At least she felt somewhat relieved to see his name, rather than Paul's, although she had no intentions of going to the police station, there was somewhere she needed to go first. It was the only way she could find peace with her demons; to fall into their grasp which already held her.

Fishing around for her phone, Beth texted Alison.

**Hey Ali, sorry I left before you got up.. Work. Can I see you soon?**

The text wasn't nearly enough, it didn't even begin to express how much she needed her, even if it was just drinking together, or talking. She needed something, and when she was with Alison she felt grounded, safe. The medicine must have been working, because she finally was starting to think soundly.

**Tonight would be nice, if possible. **

God, that made her sound desperate, but she deserved to feel normal, and Alison did just that.


	2. Chapter 2

Pounding and pulsing woke Alison from her rest, a hangover. Again. She drank often, but last night with Beth was more than she would usually intake. With a groan she sat up, trying to massage her forehead. It took a few minutes to open her eyes, when she did the room was empty. Alison was alone; Beth had left, the clothing she wore folded neatly at the foot of the bed. Oh Christ, Alison thought, did she leave already? Of course she did, Beth wasn't ever one to stay for too long. Sighing, Alison made her way to the kitchen for coffee, and a few pills for her migraine. It was only 7am, but it felt like 12, she definitely needed the coffee to brew faster. Having asked Donnie to call her in the morning the night before, she sought out her phones. No call from Donnie (of course) and two unread texts on her pink phone. More importantly, two texts from Beth.

Before thinking twice, and without hesitation, she sent a reply.

**Yes. **

With that, Alison lift a freshly brewed cup of coffee to her lips and set off with the day. Somehow seeing that Beth wanted to meet later tonight brought her some comfort.

Beth watched from across the street as Paul locked up their apartment and drove off. She walked briskly, having parked a few streets away so he wouldn't know she was around, blending in unnoticeably to the people that already walked the streets. She needed a dose or two of her medicine, something to calm her down more than the weak crap she'd had in her car, and since Paul and her weren't on talking terms at the moment, she had to sneak in to get them; maybe a change of clothing too. A shower wouldn't hurt, but she didn't want to risk Paul finding her just yet. If they were going to talk it would be on her terms.

Her phone rang, Art, again.

"Detective Childs." She answered in her monotone voice, hiding her annoyance as she changed clothing.

"Where are you? You're car wasn't underground or up top."

"Wow Art, stalking me now? None of your damn business anyway."

"I'm picking you up. Where are you?"

"At home, changing. I'm not an invalid, you know, I can drive myself."

"Yeah right, Beth. Look I'm going to buy-" that was when Beth stopped listening, when she had the living shit scarred out of her.

"Beth." Paul's voice interrupted her phone call as he stood in their bedroom doorway. "Where did you go last night?"

"Shit. Art, I'll call you back." Hanging up the phone, she quickly buttoned her shirt, stare not breaking with Paul's.

"Well?"

"What do you want, Paul? I'm busy." She muttered sharply, entering the closet to grab the case files she had brought home from work. All she was doing was killing time, waiting for him to get out of the way.

Paul didn't move, however, slowly his arms crossed over his chest, eyes narrowing down on her.

"I asked you a question, so answer me."

"No."

"That's not an answer, now tell me."

Beth tried to push her way past him, knowing fully it would only annoy him, but she wasn't exactly thinking in her straight mind. Beth was high, sleep deprived, and pissed.

"Get out of my way, Paul."

"No you damn bitch." Paul spat on her as his arms pushed her up against the bedroom wall, his forearm pressing deep into her throat. Not even able to struggle, Beth withheld a groan, not wanting to show any weaknesses. That's what she was trained to do as a cop, show no weakness, even against Paul she wanted to stay strong.

"Tell me, and you might be able to make it out of here without a beating." He always threatened, and Beth never caved in, so she'd always get the beatings.

"Go to hell."

"Fine." With the arm that wasn't against Beth's throat, Paul started punching her ribs, then her stomach. Beth tried pushing him off, but the lack of oxygen from not only her airway being crushed, but being punched out of her, made her struggle seem pointless. Paul had only hit her three times before he threw her to the ground, rolling the sleeves of his shirt up.

"Start talking." He demanded, making his was over to her. Beth had crawled backwards, her ribs already aching, trying her best to regain some strength.

"Go to hell, Paul."

"Fucking bitch." Paul charged her, his knee going to his chest before he delivered a deep crushing kick with his boot into her ribs again, even with her arms in the way, it still hurt. He kicked again and again, Beth crying out in pain when she was certain a rib had broken. Spitting on her, Paul stopped and sat on the edge. There was no way Beth would stand up, he thought, it would take her time to recover. "You call yourself a detective, you're nothing more than a piece of shit. Probably some lying whore too."

Closing her eyes, Beth prayed Art would show up any minute now and lock this bastard away for good. This wasn't the first time he'd beaten her, or broken her bones. When she was sure Paul had had enough, Beth waited until he wasn't fully paying attention. She sprung from the ground, trying her best to ignore the searing pain that emitted from her side, and delivered a swift punch to the side of Paul's head, knocking him onto the bed, probably stunned.

Beth made a run for the door, her hands on the handle as he sent her flying into the wall with a tackle. Paul straddled her waist and began hitting her, slamming her head into the floor. There was no comparison in their strength, Paul was stronger than her by far. Feeling entirely helpless and full of pain, Beth began struggling to stay conscious, her hands trying their best to punch Paul away, but never seeming to do any damage. All he had was a bloody lip, while she was certain she was far worse. Which she was.

A pounding on the door was the only thing that stopped Paul, as he jumped up, spying through the window. It was Art. Damn it. He pushed Beth's limp body behind the door, wiping his mouth as he opened it.

"What do you want, detective?"

"My partner, where is she?"

"I don't know, if you see her let me know." Paul growled out, keeping the doorway blocked so Art couldn't make his way in (which he was trying to do).

"How'd you split your lip?"

"I fell." Paul smirked, blatantly lying.

"Beth said she was here.. You weren't fighting with an officer, were you?"

"As I told you, I fell." He response cooly. "I came back to change my clothes, she wasn't here. We had an argument last night and I haven't seen her since then."

"Alright." Art didn't seem too convinced by Paul's story one bit, but had no way of proving it.

"I'm leaving for work, if you see her tell her I want to talk." Paul stepped outside, locking the door behind him. Art just stood there, watching as Paul walked to the curb, where he had parked.

"Oh, and Art, if I find you've trespassed into my apartment, you can bet your ass you will be suspended." Art crossed his arms, slowly descending the steps, a smirk on his lips as well. "I'd love to see you try. Guess I'll give calling her another shot."

Paul drove away, and Art sat in the black and white which he drove over, pulling out his cellphone he dialed for Beth. No answer.

Groaning, Beth rolled onto her side, coughing up and out blood. How long had she been unconscious, and where was Paul? She didn't think she was even able to stand, but somehow winced her way to the bathroom. She didn't even care anymore, if he was going to beat her for moving, there was nothing she could do to stop him. Swallowing nearly the whole bottle of painkillers in one sitting, Beth turned on the shower water, slowly undressing herself. She needed to clean herself up before Art got there, if he was still even coming. The water was mainly to wash any blood off her skin, to help her hide any marks left by Paul. Was he drunk? He wasn't usually that bad. Her stomach already had deep purple and yellow bruises forming, and all across her chest. Thankfully with her job she didn't need cleavage showing, so she shut the water off and head to the closet. The painkillers must have started working, because she couldn't feel the ache that spread throughout her body anymore, even if her muscles weren't responding as fully as normal.

Clothed, Beth grabbed the empty bottle of medicine and headed to her car with no intention of returning home. She didn't need or want anything from inside that hell hole, as Alison had so colourfully put it. Even in the midst of everything that happened that morning, Beth managed a genuine smile. The first in ages, and it was because of Alison. Driving away as quickly as she could, Beth needed to stop and get a refill of her painkillers before going to work. At least with Art she was safe, since she was still suspended for the civilian shooting. In the scuffle with Paul she had lost her work phone, the other had been left in her car. Alison was still on her mind, which made her think about checking it, to see if she had responded. She did, and to Beth's relief she said yes; it was almost as if Beth's day did a complete 180, having turned into a good day in a matter of minutes. Paul was gone, and now she was safe, soon to be around people she trusted.

**How about now?**

She was already AWOL, she should make the best of it. Before even getting a response, Beth headed towards Scarborough, anticipating a yes.


	3. Chapter 3

Anticipation was a bit of an exaggeration, what Beth really was doing was praying Alison would say yes to her question. Sure, it was spur the moment, and not as professional as Beth had been in the past, but she was desperate. Beth needed to be with Alison, unexplainably; not just a desire, but she felt her life depended on it; she was already clinging to nothing. Her heart stopped when she felt a vibration on her leg, instantly answering.

"Hello?" The urgency in her voice couldn't be hidden, not in the state of mind Beth was in.

"Beth?"

"Hey.." She spoke weakly, her chest closing tightly, cringing as nervousness took over her. "What's up?"

"Is everything okay, Beth?" Alison bit her lower lip, even Beth could tell without needing to see her. Silently a tear fell down Beth's cheek, all of the air in her car disappearing as she tried desperately to breath in but found nothing. "Beth?"

Panic had replaced excitement, accompanied by worry when Beth didn't respond immediately.

"Yeah.. I just. Can we talk?"

"Sure, yes." Something sounded off, and Alison needed to know. Damn Ainsley for turning her into the type of woman whom needed to know every little fact and detail about people's lives, about what was going on. Beth was the one person Alison tried not to obsess over, but right now all of her "rules" were out the window.

"I'll be there in ten." Beth hung up, swerving her way through traffic.

Punctuality was a trait Beth was persistent on, when meeting with Alison. There was a soft knock on the basement door, Beth's way of letting her know she made it there without being seen by the neighbours. Frankly, Alison wondered if Beth had even left the neighborhood because she had gotten there so quickly, but the change of clothing said otherwise. Instantly Alison could see Beth was in a fight of some sort, her body language screamed of it (the exhausted and defeated look displayed by Beth only secured the assumption).

"Oh Judas, what happened?" Alison led Beth to the sofa, sitting her down as she started gauging the visible wounds on Beth.

"Shit.. Did I miss once?" Beth's hand shot up to her neck, to pull the collar of her shirt up, but was stopped by the invasive ones of Alison.

"Who did this? Was it Paul?"

All of Beth's muscles tightened up, stiffening to the name. Tears had formed, falling unceremoniously down her cheeks as she sat petrified, too afraid to admit the abuse she endured from her boyfriend. "It was. Oh gods of god." Alison exclaimed. Guilt filled her, if she had been awake to stop Beth from leaving she could've prevented this. But that meant, if Beth had been with Paul instead of where she said she would be, that Beth had lied to her. Certainly she wouldn't have lied, right?

"It's not your fault, Ali." Beth's cracked voice cried out, the hurt visible.

"It is, oh my word, it is. Beth.. I-I could've stopped this."

"No." She cringed in pain, shaking her head.

It looked like Paul had strangled her, Alison was sure there was more damage and needed to see, to take in all of the pain Beth was feeling, to assess everything that had happened to her. "Show me the rest of it." Alison spoke firmly.

Beth couldn't move, she couldn't dare bring herself to remove her clothing to reveal all of the bruising that covered her body.

"You don't want to see it..."

"I need to." Alison sighed. Beth wasn't going to do anything, she didn't blame her either, so hesitantly she lift her hands to the buttons, slowly unraveling each one. If Beth was going to stop her, now was the chance, but Alison figured she wouldn't. Beth's face already showed her shame, having all of it revealed wouldn't make much more of a difference. Taking the shirt off, Alison's eyes surveyed the darkened skin, trying her hardest to contain the hate that was already coursing through her body like adrenaline.

Beth was crying, and the sight made Alison cry herself. After she'd seen enough, Alison closed the other woman's shirt, and pulled her into a hug. Sobs choked out from both of them as they sat in the embrace until Beth had stopped crying, having her eyes dried out.

"I think my ribs are broken."

"We need to get you to a hospital, Beth. Does your partner know?"

Worry and panic shot through Beth, and she instantly pulled away, moving to the corner of the couch.

"No! No one else can know."

"Don't be stupid, Beth!"

"No! If Art found out he'd lock Paul away."

"He deserves it."

"I love him, Ali, I don't want that to happen. I just.. I-I."

"Tell me everything that happened after you left earlier, Beth."

An hour passed, they had shifted to the kitchen where Alison handed the detective a mug of hot coffee, hoping it would help soothe her down. Beth revealed her consumption of overlapping medicines, which was why she was afraid to go to the hospital, because that would keep her from getting reinstated. The pain was manageable on her own, so why bother getting an investigation? It would only bring hell down on her in the long run.

Alison was angry. Clearly this wasn't the first time Beth had been abused (she had told her about being hit, but never this severely) or dangerously mixed her medicine, but in the fragile state of mind Beth was in there was nothing she could say. Since Beth couldn't move too much, Beth had her laying down in the basement once again. Within a few minutes, she had fallen asleep, so Alison did what she always did when she was stressed: she cleaned. Deep cleaned. Anything that was dirty, even clean, was cleaned. It was sometimes a benefit, but Alison had her OCD moments, and this was one of them. Leaving a voicemail for Ainsley, Alison managed to pawn off her children on the neighbour for another night.

Consumed in nightmares, Beth broke out in a sweat, her mind in a frenzy. She couldn't wake up from the images of Paul delivering her another beating. The dreams felt all too real, like he was actually there in Alison's basement, beating the shit out of her. Beth's ribs burned, the pain from tightening as she screamed out in misery, still unable to wake from her nightmare. Paul had left in the dream, replaced by Alison. She stood, chained to the wall, covered in blood, broken and destroyed, barely hanging onto life. Walking forward Alison placed a hand on Beth's beating chest, over her heart.

"Shhh..."

"Ali-" Beth's raspy voice was cutting in and out from screaming. The hand felt like acid, burning through her skin as the delicate touch drifted up to her face. Finally Alison's hand was removed, the innocent face stared back at the blood soaked one before sending the palm of her hand to Beth's jaw. She winced, jaw tightening as she spit some blood out.. Not Ali too.. Tear found their way out, even though Beth was certain she didn't have another drop left to cry. Consciousness was fading, and Beth started shaking, hemorrhaging from cuts up her body that spawned mainly where Paul had struck her. There wasn't much blood left in her body, all of the numb, burning sensations aching worse. Beth wanted it to be a dream, anything from reality but the pain felt real- it was influenced by her medicines, an escape of her mind that backfired. Screaming, lots of noise, white noise, Beth had lost too much blood to know what or who anymore, just knowing that whoever it was had just about killed her, that they'd slowly let the life drain from her.

"BETH!" Alison had been trying to wake her for the past twenty minutes, saying her name, taping her, even a gentle shake, nothing was working; so Alison did what she only ever had done to Donnie, and splashed a glass of water on the sleeping woman's face, waking her instantly, but in an uncontrolled, frantic state of mind- which sent Beth flying off the couch and into the ground with roughness that made Alison cringe. She hadn't meant to do all of that, only wake her.

Curses flew out of Beth's mouth as she scrambled away on her hands and legs from Alison, only believing this was still part of her dream. Perhaps what she had seen was the future?

"Beth, stop this! You're okay, it was just a dream."

"Keep back. Stay the fucking hell where you are. Don't come any closer." The rising and falling in Beth's chest were incredibly fast, when she stood, every thing went blank and she collapsed onto the ground.

What have I done, Alison nervously thought as her teeth clenched down on her lower lip. She was flabbergasted at what had just happened. Beth had fallen, and Alison stood as still as a statue. It took minutes before she moved forward, and tried to sit Beth up, or at least roll her over so she wasn't hunched over herself. Great, now how will she wake her?

That didn't matter though, because once Alison had move Beth, her eyes opened and she had the same panic as before, but this time she didn't move because Alison held her. Alison worked her best to calm and sedate Beth with her words, the firm but gentle stroking of her arms. When Beth's breathing had calmed, her body began relaxing in time.

"Ali, I'm so sorry..."

"Shh, none of that, you just rest."

"I'm too afraid to rest. I-I need you, please."


	4. Chapter 4

"I'm right here and I'm not leaving you, not like this." Alison's vice like grip kept Beth against her, wound in the hug. Beth murmured, peaking her head out of Alison's warm embrace. "Can we just lay down?"

Something in the way they moved, how Alison held her as they walked up the stairs, fingers linked together inseparably. Beth's hollow stare never seemed to meet anything else beside Alison's perfect face. They shared a quick smile, but Beth's didn't stay when Alison tucked her into the bed and just stood there, her mind looking kind it was about to explode with all of the thoughts streaming through it.

"Both of us?"

"What?" Alison gasped, her hand on her jaw in puzzlement.

"Please..? It'll make me feel better. Something about being held.. Iunno, it's always made me feel like myself." Myself- something Beth had no idea what that was anymore. They were just words spilling out of her lips, anything to not be alone anymore. Even if the nightmares contained Alison beating her, Beth needed to be close to her. The younger woman gave her a spark, something more than hope, it made her want to live. Beth thought maybe it was just a rebound, someone she could love to flee from Paul, but would one last as long as this had? Sure, Beth had masked her blatant attraction for Alison the first time she met her, and acted as professional as she could, when inside the girl made her feel like jelly, but she was certain she had the same effect on Alison, judging by all of the lingered glances, her body language, and where Alison stared on her body sometimes. Alison never seemed to mind personal space, especially when Beth taught her how to shoot the gun. Hell, she didn't even pull away when Beth kissed her the other night.

Before Beth had finished thinking, Alison had settled into the bed, laying to her side, weaving their fingers together. Alison's grip always felt protective

"Thank you, I just don't want to be alone."

"I'm right here for you," Beth's eyes leaked out a few stray tears, which Alison wiped away. The hurt Beth was going through started acting up again as she felt guilty and remorseful over herself. Exhaustedly, Beth moved closer to Alison's small frame, her head on her chest as Alison's fingers stroked her hair comfortingly. The beat of her heart was all she heart, all she wanted to hear, completely mesmerized by the moment. Somehow she found it intimate. Christ, Beth needed to think straight, but every time she tried either Paul or Alison would appear in her mind; hate or love, and right now she was choosing love. She loved Alison, and kept convincing herself there was more to their friendship than being genetic identical.

Shaking with fear (for many reasons) Beth clung on tighter, being held just as tight until the tremors stopped, when their eyes met, Alison's soft gaze soothed her. Slowly drifting her gaze down, Beth couldn't help but stare at the perfect lips in front of her, not even inches away. A thought left her wondering just how those lips felt, how they tasted, like they were the forbidden fruit. Just one bite, that's all. To partake in her curiosity. Beth's lips closed the gap between them, brushing up against Alison's unresponsive lips. The kiss came nowhere near as satisfying as Beth had thought, needing more like her life depended on it. Beth hadn't noticed the fact Alison had been kissing her back, she just needed more. Beth's kiss was fervent- her hand snaked to Alison's hair, trying to deepen the kiss.

"Beth, no-" Alison was cut off by Beth's tongue as it dragged along her lip, trying to get past Alison's defenses as if on a mission. There was nothing Alison could really do to stop Beth, her head was being held firmly. A part of Alison enjoyed the kiss, which is why she didn't exactly pull away, but just laid there and accepted it. She hadn't been kissed that way since high school, and her hormones weren't reacting to calm down. Even as guilt flooded her system, she couldn't stop. Beth eventually separated their lips- eyes burning- and kissed down her neck.

"We shouldn't." The burning increased.

"I can't do this, it's wrong. I'm married, and I love Donnie wholeheartedly. I love you too, Beth, but not like that, not this way." The piousness in Alison's innocent voice shattered her heart.

"Please don't.." Hot tears streamed down Beth's cheeks, the disappointment etched into her voice as they dropped from her face to Alison's pillows.

"This isn't the solution. It'll just make more problems."

"Don't you want me, want this? I to love you, Alison, I want to make love with you."

Oh Christ, how had Alison let this happen? She sat up, still holding Beth. This was a nightmare happening not that she had meant for it to happen this way. Yes, she allowed Beth to kiss her, but she hadn't meant to. Darn her lack of self control. Her fingers pinched at her forehead to ease the instant headache that tumbled through her mind.

"Beth, you need to listen to me, this isn't you speaking."

"Then what is it? Why do I feel this way?" Beth lift Alison's hand to her chest, wondering why she didn't feel the imaginable connection that Beth had latched onto.

"You're upset because of Paul. You don't love me that way."

"You don't know that."

"I do." Beth was sobbing, and Alison suddenly felt conflicted about comforting her, because during all of this, Alison had only wanted to comfort her, not stir up this mess that was happening.

"Paul.. Paul just beat you, and you're searching for comfort in anyway. Maybe it's the medicine deceiving you, Beth, but there is nothing between us." Oh crap, wrong wording. "We're clones, not lovers."

Absolutely nothing said helped the situation. Beth's chest couldn't have gotten a tighter knot than it currently had. In all honesty, Beth felt- knew she was about to throw up. Bounding out of the bed too quickly, the pain in her ribs soared to new heights, making the quick journey to the bathroom down near impossible as she collapsed at the door.

"Shit, Ali..." Beth groaned before Alison's face of horror jumped out of the bed, trying to help her before there was too much of a mess to clean up.

Alison had managed to drive Beth to a hospital, having her admitted to the emergency room. Hours passed as she anxiously paced in the hallway, waiting for news, an update, anything. Alison mentioned that Beth was a cop, so they didn't ask too many questions about how she had gotten brutalized.

Beth was released, a few fractured ribs were bandaged tightly, and an IV to rehydrate her before she was cleared.

Alison loaded Beth into the car, only to meet a glare. "What?"

"I told you, no hospital. You know how damn dangerous that was?"

"The least you can do is thank me for saving your life." Rolling her tired and heavy eyes, Beth figured it was best if they didn't argue over an already uncomfortable situation. They hadn't even began discussing what happened earlier, and Beth found herself wanting to get as far away from Alison as possible. Somehow she knew that conversation was just waiting to happen.

"Just listen, okay? I know you don't want anything to do with me- call it mothers intuition- but I'm going to say my peace. Now," Alison inhaled a deep breath- Beth hating this exact moment in life- and continued on with her rant. "I want you to know my intentions. I didn't let you come over to lead you on, or anything of the sort. You were hurt, physically and emotionally. Paul is a bastard. Anyone who would lift a finger to hurt you is wrong, even him. I wanted you safe, protected from that demon, so I cancelled everything for you. I thought your life was in danger and it was. So yes, you can thank me for saving you, because what if you had stayed there with him, would he have stopped?the hospital.. Oh Murphy, that was because you passed out on my bathroom floor and I didn't have the slightest clue if you were going to survive."

"Ali, just stop.."

"No! Quiet. You scared the shit out of me. Not just the passing out, but the kissing."

"I misread the situation. I was confused."

"Well I'm confused now, Beth. The intensity and thrill you gave me, all while I-"

"I meant what I said." Beth quietly interjected, stopping Alison mid sentence. "My confession to you earlier."

"I want my marriage to work, that's why this is wrong, why I'm confused about this. I love him, Beth. It's a healthy love. An-"

"So you're going to shove that in my face? Thank you, Alison. Fucking thank you."

"That's not what I was trying to do.."

"Yeah? Well I don't care anymore. I'll find my way out." Beth started heading out of Alison's house, ignoring the fact she was being called from behind, leaving Alison a crying mess, much like herself.


	5. Chapter 5

A week had past since Beth left Alison house without saying another word to her. Anger and resent had filled her mind when she thought about the other woman. Alison had talked Cosima into calling a few times, but every time she did Beth shut her out and hung up. Beth was shutting everyone out, locking herself away from the rest of the world. Even Art was struggling with her condescending attitude. Fuck them all, she thought, and went on her own rouge way. She'd had enough crap in her life, anything that wasn't strictly business related was useless to her nowadays. She buried herself in the gym, running away from her problems, pushing her body beyond the limit. When she'd get home at the end of the day she'd pass out before Paul had returned, still avoiding him at all costs as well. She was done with him and his crap. Many of those nights, actually all of them, were spent crying or drinking herself to sleep. Depression consumed her, but at least Paul hadn't abused her lately.

Isolated away from the world so she couldn't be anyone else's problem. Her mind was too burned out to work anymore, she couldn't even begin to focus on the Maggie Chen case.

Paul was going away for the weekend, a work trip. It was the first and last time they spoke before he left, with Beth only responding with a whatever which earned her a slap across the face from Paul. He'd be gone soon enough.

Not only was Art breathing down her neck, so was the police chief. Her hearing was in a couple of days, they wanted nothing more than for her to be cleared for active duty again.

Everything was starting to look up, from anyone else's point of view, but to Beth it was a nightmare. She'd gone without her pills the entire week, not even the painkillers for her broken ribs. Figuring it was time to try something new, that's what her therapists told her constantly. The pills were a crutch, and now she was crawling her way through this meaningless life, through hell. Katja was returning, she'd brought bad news though. She had the infection that Danielle Fournier died of, which meant there was a possibility that the rest of the clones were susceptible to the disease. With even more news, Katja was requesting Beth's protection because someone had tried killing her. She was certain their creators were behind it, which worried Katja worse.

The last straw on her back was a call from Alison, the innocence in her voice made Beth's stomach want to turn. She'd called on the day of the hearing, wishing Beth the best of luck on it, although Beth hadn't told her about it. She must have been paying attention when Beth spoke up her all of those times. To hell with her. Beth had dressed, a simple but business like appeal to her outfit for the hearing, her hair pulled up. Sighing, Beth couldn't even recognize herself in the mirror. She place her hand against the glass, trying to touch the stranger she saw in herself. After the mirror she touched her face, her cheek, it was useless and numb. She needed a walk before she left to the station, maybe then she'd feel something.

Quick walks never stayed quick with her though, and if it weren't for the heels she had chosen to wear today, she would've been running. Of course, she could've ran in them, but didn't feel like it. She wanted to blend in rather than draw attention to herself.

The rain had stopped, but the grounds were soaked, as was Beth. A typical winter day, nothing out of the ordinary. People shoved their way past her, and she let them, not bothering to retaliate, or hold her shoulder up against them when she saw the crash collision course heading her way.

Someone had even yelled at her, screaming that she was a bitch that needed to screw off. The words went in her ears, but didn't translate to anything. She'd stopped caring. People were selfish, a lesson she learned the hard way, repeatedly, but didn't want to accept.

Beth entered the nearest building, Huxley train station, and watched as flocks of people would hoard in and out. She sat, visibly hurting, but no one noticed. No one ever did, and the occasional person who would stare as they walked by did just that. They walked by. Beth was so unimportant to everyone around her, a complete stranger, practically invisible. The janitor had asked her to move, and Beth thought she was even being a hinderer to him as well. Complying, she started pacing.

She was tired, exhausted- mentally, physically, emotionally- In every way. The rise and fall of her chest ached worse than usually, and Beth found herself crying.

This is it, all hope had left.

She opened her phone one last time, looking at the messages, none new, then her photos. Paul looked so happy in some, the older ones, but then the happiness faded, she even saw the same happen in photos of herself. Should she leave a note? Who would even bother looking? Paul hated her, but wouldn't leave her. He probably got a kick out of beating someone, having complete control over them. Alison had rejected her, crushing Beth's last hope at love.

There weren't really any other friends in her life, no family. Even her family must have hated her, having gave her up for adoption when she was an infant. That took years for her to get over, if ever. Beth doubted that she had gotten over it, rather compartmentalized it somewhere that she wouldn't think about it, but right now every single thought about her being a problem, or being hated was rushing into her mind like a dam had just broken. How she had probably wronged so many. Hell, she killed a nearly innocent woman in cold blood, and covered it up. The guilt from that alone was consuming her too.

"Cosima?" Beth didn't know why she had called one of her clones, but she needed to hear a familiar voice, someone, anyone. She wanted to know she was doing the right thing.

"Hey.. Beth, why're you calling? I mean, it's totally cool, just out of the ordinary. Normally you text me a date and time."

"Yeah.."

"So what's up, how's it going? Did you get the briefcase from Katja?"

"Not yet, I-" sighing to regather herself, Beth closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall. "- she's coming tomorrow. The hearing is today."

"Oh, shit. Really? Are you nervous?"

"I'm a cop, I'm never nervous." She chuckled pathetically, the first time she had even remotely laughed in a while. They both knee she was joking, of course Beth got nervous. She was a new detective, only a year under her belt.

"Well call me when it's over, I want to know all of the details."

Screeching echoed in the room, a few people exiting the newest arrival of trains. A voiceover announced the arrival of the next train had been delayed for five minutes.

"Sorry I couldn't hear you over that, whatever it was." Her fingernails were bleeding from being chewed on so frantically. Beth was finally going to do it, to end all of the trouble and the misery, the pain she had caused herself, but the people she loved. Beth couldn't feel a single bit of love in return, not anymore. Alison had shattered her, after Paul had done all of the damage.

"Hey Cosima, I've got to go.. It's time to finish this."

"Shit, yeah. Good luck beth, I know you'll be able to do it." Dropping the phone into her purse, tears crashed from her eyes. Just a few more seconds and the pain will be gone, she wouldn't have to face tomorrow, her demons would get her soul. Beth was hyperventilating, anxiety riding her mind as she paced distraughtly. Cosima had inadvertently given her the courage to actually go through with this, killing herself. Cos was the last person she'd ever talk to, who would ever have to deal with her problems. Art would be able to solve all of the problems with the clones, whoever had invented them, and began killing them, he was a good enough detective- the best in Beth's eyes. As long as the other clones were safe, even Alison, no matter how pissed Beth was at her. Beth genuinely believed it was love, even if it was destroying her. Story of her life, eh?

A woman was approaching, Beth could see it and feel it. The whole platform was empty, there was no reason for her to be heading that way; but Beth knew. There was no changing her mind, no being stopped. She had nothing to live for.

Taking off her blazer, she folded it neatly, setting it above the heels which she took off. Her purse stood on the small pile.

The ground shook, rumbling from the oncoming train. This was the moment. Beth turned to the tracks, catching the strangers face whilst turning.

Not another clone..

That was it, the motion was set in place. Her body carried her further, then gravity took it's place. Death was instant, she didn't feel a thing, or hear the scream of the identical that had been approaching where she previously stood.


End file.
